Marriage

Love is..

These past few weeks have been rough for us..

We’ve been going back to our home town a lot more often just to try and be there more with our friends and families. Along the way we have met some new people and made some new friends and that’s been wonderful, but the one thing I’ve been hearing more often is “I want a relationship just like y’alls.”

While that sounds flattering it kind of gets under my skin sometimes.

This statement usually comes after Leighton says something heartfelt and sweet or when he randomly leans over and kisses my head while were just sitting around talking.

Which I love! BUT we have been through a ton of shit to get here.

I will admit that he really is my best friend though. No matter what happens we normally can’t even stay mad at each other for very long just because we want to talk to each other about something.

Of course everyone wants the good 10 year long relationship where you know everything about each other and nothing really comes at a surprise anymore. No one wants what it’s taken to get here though.

So if you’re saying you want to be able to be with someone you can literally go at each others throats with and come out the other side holding hands then sure. But if you mean you want the sweet “nothing ever goes wrong in our lives” relationship you can keep walking.

We have been through Hell and back so many times people think were crazy and sometimes I even agree with them.

The sad truth is that sometimes that’s what marriage is. It’s the silence that we’ve given each other when nothings going right, the slammed doors and the harsh words. It’s quiet dinners and passive aggressive sighs.

We started out as teenagers with no regard of each others lives. We did what we wanted when we wanted and asked for forgiveness afterwards which caused A LOT of fighting and screaming. We blossomed into young adults with a baby and we were just figuring out what being committed to each other really meant, because whether we liked it or not at this point we were stuck with each other for life in one way or another. This caused resentment and anger, and with that came a lot of heart ache and disappointment because we were trying so desperately to be what we thought the other wanted, but never really being who the other person needed. We pushed each other away and I honestly thought that was the end.

I sat there and I tried to remember who we were before we couldn’t stand each other and I cried because I missed my best friend. I missed the people we were before life slapped us in the face and told us it would never work. I missed the people we were before we believed it and just let us go.

We fought for weeks. Him fighting to push me away and hurt me and my fighting to get him to stay, but still wanting to hurt him for all that he had done. My heart had changed because I no longer wanted what was best for him I just wanted him to feel as badly as I did. I realized that neither of us were the same people anymore. We both saw each other as these evil people who only brought out the worst in each other. Eventually he just stopped coming home for a while.

My heart broke and I sat alone and cried.

Then something happened. It was like a switch flipped and God heard my cries and said “Okay. That’s enough.” After days of being gone Leighton walked in and without a word just hugged me. We still had a lot to work out, but in that moment a hug was enough.

Time went on and we got married, had more babies, and more arguments, but I wouldn’t change any of them. Those fights happened for a reason and we were able to be better for each other because of it.

It makes me happy that we are here together today after almost 10 years of struggle and success, but I want people to know that we’ve worked hard for it and we always will.

Love isn’t waking up at the crack of dawn to make breakfast together in your underwear everyday. Love isn’t never fighting or being upset about something the other one did. It isn’t a romantic movie everyday where you’re going to make up from a big fight by him chasing you down and kissing you in the rain.

Love is understanding that sometimes everything won’t work out the way you want it to. Sometimes he’s going to come home and fall on the bed and just not want to do or say anything and you need to be there to comfort him and help him with whatever life has thrown his way that day. Love is forgiveness from past wrongs that we have learned from to make us who we are today. Love is patience and knowing that we’ll get through whatever is in our way as long as I have one hand in your hand and the other on your heart.

I’m proud of where we are and everything it took for us to get here. We understand each others needs better and know that at the end of the day a quiet hug from a softened heart can help ease the pain of life.

That’s enough for me.

 

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