This post gets pretty real into depression and suicide. So if talking about depression isn’t for you I really wouldn’t recommend this one. I’m talking about some stuff that I have never talked about even with my closest friends before and up until recently even my own husband. In the end I hope you find encouragement to talk to someone close to you. Your life is precious and worth so much more.
Depression hits you hard.. I sit here trying to get these words out, but I can’t find the right ones. I don’t know how to express how I’m feeling.
Last week we lost a great friend to this silent monster. No one knew what he was going through and that was the worst part. He was honestly one of the friendliest and most fun person to be around. There wasn’t a bad bone in his body. To know him was to love him. The list goes on and on. I hate that there’s a possibility that he didn’t know how much he was truly loved, or if he knew, but it just wasn’t enough to make him stay.
The morning that I got the call my heart broke and all I could ask was “Why?”
Fast forward a week later and that’s still the question on everyone’s minds. I have come to accept that no one will ever know why or what he was thinking in those last moments, but even if we did it wouldn’t bring him back.
When you lose a friend to depression something inside of you wakes up. It makes you more aware of the people in your life and how precious they truly are. When we moved to a new town about an hour away from where my husband and I grew up we knew that we wouldn’t be seeing everyone as often as we normally do, but agreed that it would be okay because we would make trips down to see everyone every now and then. At that time we really thought we would be going back and forth at least once a week since it wasn’t so far away.
Those trips became further and further apart eventually only seeing our friends every couple of months or so. It wasn’t intentional by any means, life just happened that way. Days off were better spent doing nothing at the house with the kids and that was okay for us.
I hate that it took losing a friend to realize that we needed to all be there for each other more. In the few days that we were in town I learned that so much has happened since the last time we saw them and I felt awful. These people who I consider some of my closest friends had been going through so much and we had no idea. We sat up until the early morning swapping stories about really good and incredibly bad times in our lives and realized that we needed to make more of an effort to see each other more.
Depression isn’t always sitting in your room crying in bed, literally being crippled by the weight of the world. No. A lot of the time depression is being out with people and having tons of friends, but always feeling alone and like you have no one to really talk to about what’s going on in your life.
Depression is smiling while your heart is sinking into your stomach, but you don’t want to be a burden on anyone so you keep it to yourself.
I have learned to live within the sadness myself. I can’t go as far as to say that I have ever been clinically depressed; More or less just very, very sad a handful of times. Thanks be to God that I was always able to find the light at the end of the tunnel and have found ways to deal with it and keep that little monster off of my shoulder telling me it won’t get better.
There are times that the voice in my head speaks louder than the words that come out of my mouth. Sometimes I’m so worried about saying the wrong thing I just won’t say anything at all. To put the cherry on top I have anxiety that I deal with daily. I can’t explain how extremely difficult it is wanting to be this happy bubbly person all the time, but having a voice in my head telling me that no one cares about what I have to say. “They’re not laughing with you they’re laughing at you then they will go and talk about you behind your back. “”Why are you still trying?”
Sometimes I get so trapped inside of my own head I’m ashamed of the things that I think about.
These are the times that the light seems too far away. The times that I feel like it would make everyone so much happier if I wasn’t here, because then I couldn’t hurt anyone anymore or give them another reason to look down on me. Thankfully in those moments I would pray and someone found the courage to just get through it.
A while back when things started getting really bad I began journaling the thoughts inside my head which eventually just got super depressing. So I started journaling my good days that I was having in between and over the years it’s been nice to look back and see that for every bad day I have several good ones. I started reading poetry more and even trying to write some of my own. I go outside more and swap my phone for a book from time to time.
I’m slightly embarrassed by how much I love depressing things. Partially because it makes me feel like I’m not alone because someone obviously has felt the same way I am if I’m relating so much to what they’re saying. I want to be that for someone, to inspire others to be great or be there to comfort them when they feel low.
I wish more than anything that all the love that was shown for him would bring him back, because trust me when I say that if love could keep someone alive he would have lived forever.
Please if you need someone to talk to don’t be afraid to speak out and ask to talk to someone. I understand in the moment you feel like no one cares if you live or die, but that’s not true. That’s fear talking and fear is a liar!
If you’re going through this and you need someone to talk to I am always available. I won’t judge and I’m a pretty good listener!
You can call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 and you can click here to read my post on how I turn a bad day into a great one.
I hope you have a fantastic day, because you deserve all of the best things this world has to offer.